So here we go with the first installment of the Main Event Recap, where I review the Hulu version of the First Hour of Smackdown, something that almost nobody ever watches, and even fewer people care about.

On this week’s episode …

High Spot: Enzo’s Revenge

VaudvillainsThis week’s Main Event starts off with The Vaudvillains coming out to brag about how they “single-handedly” left the New Day lying in the ring on Monday.  The only lying going on is the LIE being told by the Vaudvillains.  The Club interrupted their match, and the Villanes took a powder, leaving both the ring and the Tag Championship picture. Here’s how highly the WWE brass thinks of English and Gotch.  They got a shot at the titles at Extreme Rules, lost rather uneventfully, and never got a real rematch.  They weren’t even upset when The Club stepped in to handle their business for them. And now they’re finally on their home for the forseeable future: Main Event.  Don’t get me wrong, I like these guys.  Liked them in NXT, anyway.  But sometimes it feels like they were brought up and given one chance to sink or swim. And my boys are DROWNIN’.

Anyway, Aidan English sings a eulogy for The New Day’s title run, which hasn’t ended yet, mind you.  Gotch even cops to that fact, saying something old timey like “we may be putting the cart before the horse.” Yeah, guys. You kind of are.

Somebody bring back Blue Pants so these two can be over again.

Enzo and Cass 2

Anyway, out come the Realest Guys in the Room to a nice pop from the crowd.  They’re wearing matching shirts. It’s cute, like it’s Twinsies day. Enzo does his thing, the fans do it along with him, and then he starts running his mouth.

Gotch interrupts him, asks if he remembers the last time he was in a ring with them, at Payback.  “That’s not rhetorical,” he says.  (Nice.) English adds that they proved that Enzo’s head is “SOFT.” (He even spells it correctly, which is a great heelish touch.)

Enzo loses his cool, so Big Cass has to step in and deliver a line obviously scripted by Enzo:

“We’re gonna send you two back to Prohibition, and after we’re done beating you down, you definitley won’t be able to SPEAK EASY.”

Get it? Because of the Prohibition reference? And the veiled threat of brain damage?
There’s a double meaning there, see? Still don’t get it? Fine.

Anyway, there is a match, and Enzo spends most of the match doing the “face in peril” shtick, before a hot tag to Big Cass basically ends things in about thirty seconds.  Seriously, it’s like running shoulder block, clothesline, fallaway slam, stinger splash, big boot, big boot to the other guy to the outside, tag Enzo, Rocket Launcher, 1-2-3. Over.

And what is also over, apparently, is the beef between these two teams. Like I guess this is the blow off match … ? I mean, I guess so … ? I mean, I’m sure they want to psuh Enzo and Cass far beyond a feud with The Old Timey Guys, so I understand why you’re doing a blow-off. But why is it on an episode of Main Event?
Not even Smackdown?  Seriously?  Not even Smackdown?
I mean, the entire WWE Network audience saw the Payback match where Enzo got concussed–excuse me, was afflicted with a hard sneeze–and they’d probably be interested in seeing him and Cass get revenge. Right?
I guess not.
You’re right, I guess not. I guess another installment of The Days of Our Golden Truth was more important to show your Smackdown audience.

We’ll get to another curious programming decision right after this message from Maybelline.

Low Blow: The Face-Painting Booth at the Haunted Carnival

Viktor.jpg
Maybe he’s born with it.  Maybe it’s Maybelline.

 

Seriously, what is up with Viktor these days.  Is he missing Konnor while he’s on suspension, and the only thing that fills the void for him is a bucket of facepaint?

“I love you, bucket of facepaint.  You’ll never abandon me.”

Anyway, Viktor is out to face Zack Ryder, who finishes Viktor with a Broski Boot and an El-bro Drop in like a minute and a half.

Poor Zack Ryder. Dude gets to be the IC Champ for like 24 hours, and two months later he’s wrestling the bass player for a Slipknot cover band.

Low Blow: Ziggler is on Commentary and Summer Rae has a Microphone

Why is that the only time the WWE remembers the shit it did like six months ago is when it relates to Ziggler and who he may or may not have ziggled?

He keeps calling Summer “crazy” and Lawler keeps egging him on, which is just the absolute dirt worst.

She clearly needs help.

Summer Rae

She truly believes that with the brand split on the horizon, the question on everyone’s mind is “Where is Summer Rae gonna end up?”  I mean, the poor woman is obviously delusional, requires psychiatric care, and the last thing she needs is for unhelpful Dolph Ziggler on commentary calling her “crazy.” Somebody in HR needs to have a discussion with Ziggs about Mental Health Sensitivity Training.

High Spot:  THE BOSS IS BACK!

Out comes Sasha Banks and I don’t care what anybody says, she now has magic money powers. The WWE just made it canon.

Sasha Banks is money

She tells Summer to shut up, Summer flat out refuses to do so, and a match is made.

The match is unspectacular, with Summer in control throughout most of it.

The main thing we have to talk about is this programming decision.  Sasha has been off TV for six weeks, since mid-April.  She had a show-stopping triple threat match for the Women’s Title at Mania, came up short (because of horrible disgusting heel poor sad rejected-by-his-own daughter Ric Flair), and moved into a feud with Summer Rae that I cannot remember because she got injured at a house show and depending on which dirt sheets you pay attention to, Vince lost faith in her because she couldn’t stay healthy and she “only had one speed,” whatever that means.

So this is the first match back for the former NXT Women’s Champ, former number one contender to the new WWE Women’s Title, and the woman everyone is cheering for when they drop a “We want Sasha” chant into the middle of a Paige vs Dana Brooke match.

So why is it on Main Event?  It’s not even on Smackdown?  Really?  Not even on Smackdown? Again, this makes me scratch my head?  Why isn’t this match on one of your two USA shows?  I mean, yeah, I guess you can’t bump the Charlotte/Becky match from Smackdown, but how about Raw?  They couldn’t have fit this in somewhere between Shane-O Mac shaking his Booty-O and Seth Rollins not doing fucking anything?  Isn’t this something the majority of the WWE universe would like to see?

Anyway, if they had seen it, they would have seen Sasha mount a comeback, turning a spinning roundhouse into a single leg takedown and a particularly brutal Banks Statement.

Banks Statement

This, again, might well be the blow-off to this old feud, leaving Sasha available to have a match with somebody else (anybody else) at Money in the Bank.

Verdict

So should you seek out this episode of Main Event?
Meh.
I guess if you’re a huge fan of either Enzo&Cass or Sasha, it couldn’t hurt.

But I certainly wouldn’t blame you if Viktor’s freakshow make-up job and the thought of Dolph on commentary drive you away.

Final Rating: 7 out of 10.

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